OMG, I think I pissed myself!!!!

Diary of a Snow Shoveler


December 8: 6:00 PM.

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9:


We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.


December 12:


The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm
glad he's our neighbor.


December 14:


Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but
I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15:


20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.


December 16:


Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.


December 17:


Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20:


Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware
store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.


December 22:


Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has
a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too
busy. I think the asshole is lying.


December 23:


Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0o. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but
I think she's lying.


December 24:


6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I
know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws
snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to
sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy
watching for the goddamn snowplow.


December 25:


Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I
hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a
Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.


December 26:


Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27:


Temperature dropped to -30o and the pipes froze.


December 28:


Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!!!


December 29:


10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I
am?


December 30:


Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million
dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.


December 31:


Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


January 8:


I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

"If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls."

I am really irritated with the guy who was plowing streets this AM. He starts at 4:30 am and he makes no less than 20 passes in front of my apartment. It was LOUD. I wouldn't go so far as to drag him through the snow by his balls, but I sure would kick him in the nuts if he paid me $20.

meta4 wrote:I am really irritated with the guy who was plowing streets this AM. He starts at 4:30 am and he makes no less than 20 passes in front of my apartment. It was LOUD. I wouldn't go so far as to drag him through the snow by his balls, but I sure would kick him in the nuts if he paid me $20.

I feel the same way about the Dump Truck person that collects the trash at Georgetown Square at 3:30am during the week.

This is a good one. At first I thought you were resurrecting this classic:

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work at Wal-Mart. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped,the driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, since she had been following him for a long time.

She said she was fine and told him her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was fine with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:

meta4 wrote:I am really irritated with the guy who was plowing streets this AM. He starts at 4:30 am and he makes no less than 20 passes in front of my apartment. It was LOUD. I wouldn't go so far as to drag him through the snow by his balls, but I sure would kick him in the nuts if he paid me $20.

I feel the same way about the Dump Truck person that collects the trash at Georgetown Square at 3:30am during the week.

Oh yeah. I got one of them too. Except it's EVERY weekday at 3:30am. He always slams the empty bin down and I swear he does it too hard... it makes the ground shake!

meta4 wrote:I am really irritated with the guy who was plowing streets this AM. He starts at 4:30 am and he makes no less than 20 passes in front of my apartment. It was LOUD. I wouldn't go so far as to drag him through the snow by his balls, but I sure would kick him in the nuts if he paid me $20.

I'll pay you the $20.00 to kick him meta...


Cheque's in the mail.