Cincy Fan's Corny Jokes

Canuck wrote:That's not a corny joke Ollie. Heck, it might be classified as a real story...

Thanks Canuck. I just wish Ollie wouldn't pollute my wonderful corny thread I have going here...

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:
Thanks Canuck. I just wish Ollie wouldn't pollute my wonderful corny thread I have going here...

Haha, ok, find it in your heart to forgive him this once, please. In the interest of national corny security.

Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living, all the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, red faced. "He plays for the Bengals but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Overheard on Bengals stadium loudspeaker announcements...

"Will the 6th grade teacher who left her students at the warm-up field please pick them up."



"They are beating the Bengals 14-3"

Oliver's Army wrote:Overheard on Bengals stadium loudspeaker announcements...

"Will the 6th grade teacher who left her students at the warm-up field please pick them up."



"They are beating the Bengals 14-3"

Is that all? I figured it would be more...

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:

Oliver's Army wrote:Overheard on Bengals stadium loudspeaker announcements...

"Will the 6th grade teacher who left her students at the warm-up field please pick them up."



"They are beating the Bengals 14-3"

Is that all? I figured it would be more...

First quarter score

Overheard on the Loudspeaker at the Cincinnati City Jail...

"We need officers available to transport the 9 Bengals Players from their cell. Their game starts in 2 hours."

VERY Funny Bengals Radio Promo...


http://www.700wlw.com/cc-common/mediaplayer/player.html?redir=yes&mps=wlw_news.php&mid=http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/30265/1h/cchannel.download.akamai.com/30265/1209/richmedia/10092002Bengals_Fat_Joe.mp3?CCOMRRMID=16677934&CPROG=RICHMEDIA&MARKET=CINCINNATI-OH&NG_FORMAT=newstalk&NG_ID=wlw700am&OR_NEWSFORMAT=News/Talk&OWNER=1209&SERVER_NAME=www.700wlw.com&SITE_ID=1209&STATION_ID=WLW-AM&TRACK=bengals_1

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:How many country music stars does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to put the new one in, and one to sing about how much he misses the old one.

I heard this as a Republican joke

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change it, and the other to tell you why the old one didn't need to be changed.

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says to him "We don't serve your kind". The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a funghi."

In the Old West, a three-legged dog limped into town. Someone asked him what he was doing there, and he said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa"

What do you call a man with no arms and legs lying on the floor?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs hangin on the wall?

Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs six feet under?

Doug.

What do you call two lepers in a bathtub?

Soup.

Why did they stop the leper hockey game?

There was a face-off in the corner.

Why did they stop the leper poker game?

Someone threw his hand in.

What did the Aggie say when he saw three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well.

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "Hey Pirate, did you know there's a towel on your head?" The pirate says, "Arrrrr, there's a bounty on my head."

Source: Reader's Digest

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
You see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the Senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here
And there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. .

Today you voted.'

Not sure who came up with this, as I received it in an e-mail. Call me a plagiarist...but I simply don't give a hoot...just thought I'd share it for those who might need a chuckle...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, Little Debbie, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.


Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:Not sure who came up with this, as I received it in an e-mail. Call me a plagiarist...but I simply don't give a hoot...just thought I'd share it for those who might need a chuckle...

the Hostess Twinkies

Now THAT gave me a chuckle.

One I've heard before, but still kind of funny. Causes me to groan out loud...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he look back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...



Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.







Bumping and clapping toward him.



The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,












(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)






The coffin stops .

meta4 wrote:

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:Not sure who came up with this, as I received it in an e-mail. Call me a plagiarist...but I simply don't give a hoot...just thought I'd share it for those who might need a chuckle...

the Hostess Twinkies

Now THAT gave me a chuckle.

For crying out loud... It's "twinkie the kid" dammit...

pez wrote:

meta4 wrote:

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:Not sure who came up with this, as I received it in an e-mail. Call me a plagiarist...but I simply don't give a hoot...just thought I'd share it for those who might need a chuckle...

the Hostess Twinkies

Now THAT gave me a chuckle.

For crying out loud... It's "twinkie the kid" dammit...

I never knew he had a name...

So a messiah, hockey mom, and a maverick are fishing in a boat...eh, nevermind...

michigan is trying to get their game against THE OSU changed from Columbus to Ann Arbor. Evidently it's because they can't get past Toledo on their way to The 'Shoe.

(for those that didn't get it, michigan LOST to Toledo, i.e., couldn't get past them)

Pete and Repeat are sitting on a log. Pete fell off. Who's left?