Cincy Fan's Corny Jokes

Some of these might be repeats, but oh well.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
--Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
--but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker,
--but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
--because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
--and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
--it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
--and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
--would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.
--They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
--Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
--The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism
--is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
--One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
-- Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said,
--'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
-- His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road
--is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
--was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
--is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet
--writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts.
--In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary,
--they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults:
--Practice safe sects !

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaking out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yeah," the parrot confessed, then
squawked, "I'm just t rying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

From the First Book of Democrat (Psalm 2008-2012)

OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

YEA, THOUGH I WALK THRU THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE,
I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.

OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES.

MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME.

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME
ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.

FROM HENCE FORTH, WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES
IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.

BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG
AND OBAMA WAS A TREE.

The urinal one was funny ... the others ... meh?

Buyers remorse ... I love it. No returns on this purchase Cincy!

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters...where do girls with one leg work?

Anyone???

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:If girls with big boobs work at Hooters...where do girls with one leg work?

Anyone???

Kept thinking "as carhops"... when the right answer came to me IHOP.

Pez wrote:

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:If girls with big boobs work at Hooters...where do girls with one leg work?

Anyone???

Kept thinking "as carhops"... when the right answer came to me IHOP.

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding...

Congrats Pez. You win nothing but my respect and admiration...

I saw that joke last night on Two & a Half Men, and thought that was right up my alley!!!

When Karl Malden died and got to the purly gates of Heaven, he presented his American Express Card to St. Peter...St. Peter said, "Sorry, we only take the kind that says In God We Trust on them."

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

“Father, I have a problem .
I have two female parrots,

but they only know how to say one thing.”


“What do they say?” the priest inquired.


They say,

“Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”


"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment.
“You know”, he said, “I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots

which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and

we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

and your parrots are sure to stop saying

that phrase in no time.”


“Thank you.” the woman responded.

“This may very well be the solution.”

The next day,

she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.


As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and

placed her two female parrots in with them.


After a few minutes,

the female parrots cried out in unison,

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”


There was stunned silence!


Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

and exclaimed...

*

*

*

*

*
"Put the beads away, Frank,

our prayers have been answered!"

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you:

'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
and I'll bet you cannot resist passing it on!

A SHOCKING SPORTS CONCLUSION



(Read the following statements and then the amazing conclusion)



The sport of choice for the urban poor is Basketball

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling

The sport of choice for front-line workers is Football

The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball

The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis

The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf


The amazing conclusion:



The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become...........

good one...i equate the word sports with men (oops...PEOPLE) and balls anyway

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

To which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you will have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss, you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now
(Works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water and covered with soap, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you do not want to be seen.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine will not work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Workplace Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you do not know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it is ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it

meta4 wrote:So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

That was hilarious... nice..

Courtesy of the kids' cups at Fazoli's...

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.


He tripped & fell on the ground.


He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him...


At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?


'Very well,' said the voice..


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

If the bear ate you, how come you're still posting here...

Canuck wrote:If the bear ate you, how come you're still posting here...

Reminds me of an old joke. A male and a female bear ate a couple of campers, one from Poland and the other from the former Czechoslovakia. Without cutting into the bears, authorities determined that the male bear ate the guy from the former Czechoslovakia...because well, the czech is always in the male.

I hear Saints fan are hoping to get Bush back this weekend. Heck, I've been hoping to get Bush back for a year and a half!