Cincy Fan's Corny Jokes

pez wrote:A guy was driving home from work on I-69 when his cel phone rang. It was his wife, who said "Honey be careful, they just reported that some nut is driving the wrong way on I-69!"

The guy replies, "Honey, it's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!"

ROTFLMAO! I've heard that one before, but it's still funny.

Dave talks his buddy Steve into joining his fraternal organization. Steve's first meeting starts out great, and then later, the men all go into a back room to smoke cigars. Suddenly, one of the men shouts out "47!" To which all other men (except steve) reply with uproarious laughter. A short while after, another man shouts Out "16!", again everyone laughs but steve... soon after, someone shouts "147!" again, the laughter... this goes on for a while and eventually Steve and Dave go home.

Steve asks dave in the car about the numbers. Dave says, "Oh yea, I forgot about that. We've been sitting around telling jokes for so long that everyone knows them all. A few years ago we numbered them so we wouldnt have to take the time telling them." Dave hands steve the list of jokes and their associated numbers.

The next month, Steve is ready with some real zingers from the list. The back room session starts, and after a while, Steve shouts out, "74!"... no one laughs, crickets chirp... undeterred, a half hour os so later, Steve shouts out the best joke on the list, "19!", again... no laughter, crickets chirping. Discouraged, Steve stops shouting out numbers.

In the car on the way home, Steve asks Dan, "man, I picked the best jokes from that list to make a good impression, and they all fell flat, what gives?"

Dan replies, "Well, some people can tell a joke and others cant"

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she
retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public
places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi '.

What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other? Eilene.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg longer than the other? Irene.

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:
What do you call an Asian lady with one leg longer than the other? Irene.

Oooh, that's about as bad as "What time does an Asian man go the dentist? Tooth hurty."

This thread could support it's own Ethanol plant.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read "...Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "the sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "and what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"

sunny d wrote:One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read "...Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "the sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "and what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"

awesome...

One day at school, the history teacher assigned the class to draw a picture of historical significance. Students then had to present it in front of the class. Most drew pictures of the signing of the Declaration, or the battle of Gettsyburg, etc...

But when little Billy presented his picture in front of the class, the teacher was horrified. Little Billy had drawn a picture of a cow with a halo on its head and then in the background he had drawn Indians screwing each other.

The teacher asked Billy what possible historical significance his picture could have. Little Billy simply explained he was demonstrating General Custer's last thoughts. "Holy Cow, look at all them f***'in Indians."

If a tree falls on LTRT's property and nobody is around to hear it, does Bush still get blamed?

Q: How do you kill a circus?

A: Go for the juggler!

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:If a tree falls on LTRT's property and nobody is around to hear it, does Bush still get blamed?

oh hell yea... based on the FACT that a tree falling is most likely caused by global warming (I asked Al), and the fact that Bush didnt sign Kyoto is the primary cause of Global Warming, the cubs being in first place, Rex Grossman's continual failure to live up to his resume, Kobe Bryant, the death of Bo Diddley and Stevie Ray Vaughan.

That said, Bush is clearly to blame, nucular!!!!!!!

A temporary shelter is on a shrinks couch with an identity crisis. "Dr, I just cant telll from day to day, I'm a tepee some days, somedays I'm a wigwam, I'm a tepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tepee, I'm a wigwam...."

The doctor replies, "Relax, you're two tents."

pez wrote:oh hell yea... based on the FACT that a tree falling is most likely caused by global warming (I asked Al), and the fact that Bush didnt sign Kyoto is the primary cause of Global Warming, the cubs being in first place, Rex Grossman's continual failure to live up to his resume, Kobe Bryant, the death of Bo Diddley and Stevie Ray Vaughan.

<- The sky

EDIT: I attempted to highlight the part about Stevie Ray Vaughn from the quote above to facilitate the reference I'm making, but it showed the literal tags as opposed to "bolding" it. Looking back on how I left this, it seems REALLY esoteric. Oh, well.

In light of OA's reference to waving without using all fingers, I thought I would post this:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I'm glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!!

I found lots of people who loved Jesus.

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.

He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled "JESUS CHRIST!" as loud as he could.

It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO!...JESUS CHRIST!...GO!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger.

I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me!

I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas.

It's a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!

What is Michigan's state flower? Apple Blossom

What is Michigan's state tree? White Pine

What is Michigan's state bird? Robin

What is Michigan's state whine? "When are we ever gonna beat Ohio State?"

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:

What is Michigan's state whine? "When are we ever gonna beat Ohio State?"

NEVER again, we have the Sweater Vest at the helm.

Bman wrote:

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:

What is Michigan's state whine? "When are we ever gonna beat Ohio State?"

NEVER again, we have the Sweater Vest at the helm.

Indeed!

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:

Bman wrote:

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:

What is Michigan's state whine? "When are we ever gonna beat Ohio State?"

NEVER again, we have the Sweater Vest at the helm.

Indeed!

Hardee har har.........

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
-----------------------------------
Police were called to a day care
where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
-----------------------------------
Did you hear about the guy
whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all r ight now.
---------------------------------------------------
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.
-----------------------------------
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.
-----------------------------------
To write with a broken pencil
is pointless.
----------------------------------
When fish are in schools
they sometimes take debate.
------------------------ -----------
A thief who stole a calendar
got twelve months.
-----------------------------------
A thief f ell and broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.
-----------------------------------
Thieves who steal corn from a garden
could be charged with stalking.
--------------------------
We'll never run out of math teachers
because they always multiply.
-----------------------------------& nbsp;
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles ,
U.C.L.A.
-----------------------------------
The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.
------- ---------------------------
The dead batteries were given out
free of charge.
----------------------------------
If you take a laptop computer for a run
you could jog your memory.
--------------- -------------------

A dentist and a manicurist fought
tooth and nail.
-----------------------------------
A bicycle can't stand alone;
it is two tired.
-----------------------------------
A will, is a dead giveaway.
-- ---------------------------------
A backward poet writes inverse.
-----------------------------------
In a democracy it's your vote that counts;
in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
--------------------------------
A chicken crossing the road:
poultry in motion.
-----------------------------------
With her marriage,
she got a new name and a dress.
---------------------------------
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft
and I'll show you A-flat miner.
--------------------------------
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine
was fully recovered.
----------------------------------
You are stuck with your debt
if you can't budge it.
----------------------------------
A lot of money is tainted:
'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
-----------------------------------
He had a photographic memory
which was never developed.
-------------------------------
When you've seen one sh opping center
you've seen a mall.
--------------------------------
When she saw her first strands of gray hair,
she thought she'd dye.

Not bad Ollie...got a couple more to add...

People in the back seat cause accidents
Accidents in the back seat cause people.


When Cleopatra wouldn't admit to lying
people said she was in denial.

Hopefully I haven't posted these before. The memory is the first thing to go.


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"



7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's Not Unusual."



8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.



9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.



10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I had to amputate your arms!"



13. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"



16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."



18. A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

LOL, good ones there Markwes.

Why is there a fence around a cemetary?

Because people are just dying to get in.

Cincy Fan 44 wrote:Why is there a fence around a cemetary?

Because people are just dying to get in.

There you go ruining the streak.